Home and hommage pt 2

Hi y’all,

sorry for the wait. This took me so many attempts and re-writes and editing. Partly because so much new atrocious stuff has happened out there and is still happening. But also to a large share because of some very private demon slaying that had to become intensified in perfect synchronicity with everything globally awful. That inevitably poured out of me whenever I sat down. Let me take you out and away from all that for a little while. Not to ignore what is happening, but to have a moment of respite.

Outside, the linden trees are flowering, and it is the most wonderful scent, right next to the allure of lilac and the sensuality of honeysuckle. The linden blooms entice us all, smelling as wonderful as the first decisive kiss of a woman feels, determined, charming, sweet and full of sunlight. Summer has come, a bit too warm as always recently, but for once, I am only grateful for the sun warming us to the core. Right now, a thunderstorm is cooling off this midsummer weekend night. It reminds me of the opening scenes of The Blue Place, in fact…

So! Now that you have heeded my call to go and read In The Long Run by Haley Cass, you will know why I say, ‘Hi y’all’. And you will roll your eyes and shake your heads in what I can only hope is fond exasperation. I will keep saying hi y’all, because, what a lovely way to reach out that is. You, all of you. I like how warm it feels, saying this to you, fully aware of the circle of hell the US has turned into and its downward spiral. I like that despite everything, the language we choose has so much to offer in terms of how we start right from the get go.

By the by, I also always very much loved,

• ‘You alright?’

• ‘Alright?’

And, especially if another lady says it to me,

• ‘Alright luv?’

And I may still make use of these here.

But. Without further ado, let’s dive in. Major spoilers ahead.

Taylor. I wanted to talk to you about Taylor, because that is who I had on my mind when I wrote to you about my ideas on ‘home’. I have thought about the concept of ‘home’ much longer than I’ve known this character. It’s just, Haley Cass touched something I did not know needed a nudge inside of me. Record scratch. Wait. Let me rephrase this for the benefit of an author whose work I enjoy but of course do not know at all on any personal level: Taylor has made me think about what I want in a profound way and touched me deeply.

I give up. You can read innuendo into everything if you really want to.

After listening and re-listening to the audiobook multiple times, it randomly occurred to me the other day, I think it was either when I almost was asleep or when I was commuting, certainly not both at the same time anyway, that Taylor and Brooke are a bit like Hesse’s Goldmund and Narziß. The pairing where one, full of joy of life, and curiosity and hunger for it, despite being deeply hurt by her own perceived constant misadaptation and otherness vis-a-vis her surroundings, is driven out into the world by the dreams and desires she has, and because it seems there is nothing there for her in her hometown apart from unpleasantness. And the other part of the duo, Brooke, is dutiful, studious, organised, loves structure and order, and is rooted to Faircombe, their hometown, by fond attachment, by the connection with the people there, especially Taylor’s family, who have taken her under their wings when her own home fails to nurture her. Brooke works from the inside to make her hometown a good place for everyone to live at, and to keep it that way. Her whole passion is dedicated to this. Taylor’s path, however, is far-flung, drawing her out into the world. Her impermanence, from the viewpoint of everyone who stayed behind, is considered flaky, even by Brooke, who does not realise in the beginning what a serious commitment Taylor has made. That she does not simply gallivant through life, but that she is a hard-working professional who moves many people with her perspective on the world, the scenery and people she encounters, and the words she finds for it all. You cannot engage at the level Taylor does, by being disorganised, or flaky, or superficial. And it takes everyone at her home a surprising amount of mentally shifting gears to begin to realise this.

Taylor and Brooke, who already hold so much potential from the get go, but whose developments as people clearly did not align for a long while, are just beginning their intertwined stories the moment they decide to stop dancing around each other’s physical attraction. I really appreciate the change of viewpoints in the novel. That first scene of their acknowledgement of their desire for each other is so full of bitten-back words that would not be useful, helpful or get them anywhere and therefore remain decidedly unspoken. We are privy to both their very different experiences of one and the same scene, and their resulting varying interpretations. Brooke, while struggling with her feelings, is not in the least ruled by fear of Taylor’s opinion. But mostly, because she is so resigned to her, in her mind, hopeless attraction to Taylor she is not afraid to butt heads with her, to be irate and blunt to the point of downright ornery. In her view, it does not make a difference anyway. She has had decades of practise of being attracted to and irritated by Taylor. Whereas Taylor seems so in tune with herself after mastering a difficult young adulthood, she does not need Brooke to accommodate her to intuit what Brooke’s irritation is really about. While I enjoy Taylor pushing Brooke sometimes, my brain struggled with this occasionally, as Taylor could be read as someone who walks a fine line regarding what is comfortable for other people; but that is actually addressed and handled deftly, and I for one am glad that here is an author manages to show to us where exactly the difference lies between problematic behaviour and a flirty, confident character who absolutely respects a No. Both Brooke’s and Taylor’s traits are remarkable to me, as they liberate them to say and be very much what and who they feel like in that first encounter after years.

What Brooke and Taylor agree upon, almost without talking about it, is suspending a lot about their biographies and the very different views they have on their shared moments in order to simply be with each other for a while. Just a few hours of joy at finding the very familiar in a strange place they both merely visit. Brooke’s kind of momentary freedom especially seems very hard won, and it is certainly harder for her to deal with the fallout. To her credit, she has had no reason to presume the fallout would come in the form it does. Because contrary to her belief and Taylor’s usual practice, Taylor is not leaving for foreign parts. Suddenly, and alarmingly out of character, Taylor decides to stay in Faircombe for the foreseeable future. In Faircombe, where Brooke has to interact with her at family dinners, and around town, where there is gossip to navigate and Taylor’s brother, Ben, Brooke’s best friend. Suddenly, Taylor and her teasing, tactile, warm charm is everywhere in Brooke’s business. And the town gossips, called The Witches Three, have not missed Brooke returning from San Diego with a hickey on her neck and are dying to know simply everything.

Let me pause here. You can already see we are off to a great start. And if you’ve done what I asked, you will know the plot already. So I want to focus on the character.

How could one not love Taylor? Taylor, Taylor has me longing the way someone young is looking admiringly at someone a few years older, one of the older kids in school, how they always seem so far ahead, so self-confident and free. Because I wanted to be Taylor, many times. I fantasised so much as a teenager and a young adult about leaving a place and an environment that I felt did not get me and even was downright harmful at times. And, like I told you once already, that is still my go-to reaction. It always seems that there should be something better out there, once tits start pointing skyward proudly, to paraphrase Jay Kristoff. Greener pastures. People who understood/understand better, who just get it, who just get you. Appearing ambitious outwardly and brave enough to dare to move someplace else can be a great spin to put on running from a place, simply because you cannot stand being there anymore due to the people and memories it is filled with. And out there, love and belonging are just waiting to be found. But Taylor heads for more than just people. She is enchanted by the essence. The wondrous world and all in it. Not just and not primarily human connection. And once she has managed to leave Faircombe, she is thriving. She took a leap when she left home, barely an adult, and it may appear that simply taking that chance once was enough. But as the book progresses, I think we see that even someone as able to connect with new places and people as Taylor is, someone who has her great ability to always seek the good, the positive, to make sense of life’s chaos and thereby to give meaning and balance to it, that even Taylor is working hard on it. We are not sold the idea of a simply sunny person who just magically gets along with everyone. That is what makes that character so attractive. She works at living her convictions. I would describe her as guided by a profound set of personal values and philosophy. She is not pushing people who are not ready (apart from Brooke, sometimes), not forcing an issue, learning to roll with things, learning to accept whatever she finds and draw meaning from it, which I find is one of the most important tools when trying to fit into another place and culture. What makes Taylor further endearing is her large empathy and her gift to stay with what she is feeling, versus what people around her are attempting to put on her. (Again: unless it is her brother, sister or Brooke getting under her skin.) And her willingness to allow others to convince her that she may not be right all of the time: about her hometown, for instance. That she is indulging Brooke in her attempts to make her give Faircombe the benefit of the doubt and a place on a short-list of the ‘hidden gems of the South’ in Taylor’s blog, despite Faircombe being the sole reason for her taking flight off into the world, is one of the fulcra of the plot. And finally, there is her teasing, flirtatious, easy humour which is not something artificially curated and honed, but just such an integral part of how she interacts with others. Understandably, she finds it very difficult to suspend it for the sake of Brooke’s foot being put down and the establishment of the No! Flirting! rule. (My exclamation points, it is emphasised very nicely in the audiobook.)

Here is where I get wistful and a bit sad again. I remember times when I used to be sure of the place I hold in this life, on this world, that somehow things would turn out okay, and that dealing with life with a smile on my face was always preferable and something to aspire to, simply because it feels better than all alternatives. There is much to be said for that kind of resource, especially in hard times. While fear and sadness are valid and always should have their room, they also easily turn into very hungry ghosts once they are allowed to stay a little too long. And once that happens, banishing them is extremely hard.

I have a friend who has gone through some horrifying and sad experiences, and yet she always manages to trust that when one door is closed, a window is opened in its stead. She is the only person who can repeat the respective corny phrase to me without sounding in the least bit trite, and I even find that her attitude makes me hope, too. She has all my deepest admiration and respect for that. While she has the ability to focus on the good, it does not mean she does not also have to choose to see that aspect and make room for it, very consciously. It takes effort and commitment to not dwell on the horrible.

And that is who Taylor is, too – someone who can believe that there is meaning to be found in everything. Someone who has understood on a visceral level that the priority is not to be loved, but to find meaning in her own experiences. These beliefs infuse how she walks through life. They help her make good choices for herself. And I think they give her the calm, steady sense of purpose and peace which is so alluring and attractive about that character. Because Taylor finds this in all the richness that is the world, whereas I’d postulate that I and many people tend to look for it in places of natural scarcity, i.e. other human beings with their human troubles and flaws and sometimes downright horrible traits. Looking for purchase on a treacherous surface, for gospel out of the word of naturally unreliable narrators. And Taylor – Taylor seems the embodiment of someone who has found a lot of peace by being exactly herself, regardless of her personal attachments. Thankfully the novel does not for one minute expose us to the trope of the unattached, independent-to-the-point-of-insular, maximum self-sufficiency, which is so often perpetuated as the sole healthy way of living your allegedly best life (sure, if you never want to form a family with anyone and are obsessed with seeing exactly how far you can go in your oh-so-important journey of self-discovery all by your lonesome). Although Taylor definitely believes in vibes and of course practises yoga. But she is also a pragmatic and sensible small town gal, which I too appreciate.

To me, it is also crucial that the story is not about two people finding each other before the magical boundary of hitting thirty. Not even, gasp, before forty. I cannot express what a strange discovery and deep comfort it is to read other stories than the teenage or twentysomething love and happy thereafter kind. To read stories about people who tried, and had to experience things not working out, and about how their lives took twists and turns that meant their relationships ended, sometimes despite best intentions. And of course, most importantly, that their lives not only went on but that they can find a partner who stays and loves them, and a fulfilled, happy relationship. I so urgently need those stories of hope. As I am sure many people do. I can mostly face the social pressure of being single again at my age in public, as more often than not the kind people around me spare me the exposure therapy with this particular trope. They let me have my occasional coquetry with it because they know I have to cope somehow and are very patient with me. But, in seriousness, to face loneliness, anxiety and hopelessness at any age, but specifically from now and onward, that is hard, hard to endure. It is scary, and it is despair, if one is more of my disposition than Taylor’s or, it appears, Brooke’s. So when I can read about people with similar experiences, even if they are fiction, I feel a little calmer, a brief respite from the daily cycle of waking up with this ring of iron round my neck and driving to work fighting the weight in my chest and the lump in my throat, getting a breather through sheer distraction with other worries in my job, then getting anxious all over again when the time comes to clock off, especially if I made the mistake to not have planned wisely and don’t have anything on. Wash, rinse, repeat.

So, I think what Taylor embodies for me, is true freedom. Freedom of fear of not being enough, or being stuck doing something that is never quite you. Freedom to accept what your experiences are and glean agency and contentedness from that. I always found comfort in my ability to find a way to get along with many people in many places from quite a few different cultures. I have a knack for finding common ground, and Taylor does too. But being fascinated by this character rather makes me suspect, that I need to be much, much braver and bolder still, if I want to lose some of my own fears.

Sometimes a story or a character touches us so deeply, they seem to come around at just the right time to help us think of ourselves and the lives we inhabit in a new way. To me it is not stranger to admire the figment of someone’s imagination than to admire someone on social media. They feel equally fictional or real to me. Only we get to know fictional characters much better. Especially if they are reliable narrators.

I keep thinking how much I wished I could unearth the parts of me that chime with this lovely figure. If I could draw better, I would draw a picture of Brooke and Taylor sitting on Mt Makeout, or in Brooke’s house, playing with the cats (of course there are cats in the book, and they are all adorable). I was so taken in by Brooke’s and Taylor’s struggles with their relationship, with both their realisation and then dawning readiness to make changes in their lives and make room for what home actually means. To them, and to me. When Taylor can finally experience the resolution of her childhood hurts, can allow herself to want to come home in truth, and can prove to Brooke that she is here, that she is here for her, finding ways to stay that work for them both, allaying Brooke’s greatest and very legitimate fear – believe, that I have tears in my eyes, every time I listen to it. And damn am I in awe of and proud of Brooke standing up so staunchly for herself, go girl, I need to write more about you soon as well because you have such guts defending your interests in the face of your deepest wishes until you get what you can trust in. Fucking hell, you girls.

I hope you all had as much of a wonderful time as I did (and do) with this novel. Go, Haley Cass. What great characters.

As always. Mia.